Sandy Valley - Do not marble

Old Elder Lowall from up on Jackal Ridge was through Sandy Valley on his way to Moose Lodge. Elder Lowall is a fine upstanding fellow who knows a lot about Christianity and lives what he knows. He also sometimes gets mixed up on things he doesn’t hear well. You see, Elder Lowall can’t read, so his wife reads the Bible to him. Sometimes he “mishears” what she reads!

While he was in Sandy Valley, the body of Christ there invited him to preach to them. The message started well, as he took off his coat and began to get down to business. Then, remembering what his wife has recently read to him from John, the old elder emphatically shouted, “Marble not! The Bible says, ‘marble not’ and we need to obey it now that we know what it says. No young’un ought to play marbles for so says the Bible. The Bible says it, and I believe it.” Elder Lowall continued on in his message emphasizing other prohibitions from the Bible – lie not, steal not, and so on, all these much more recognizable than his exhortation against playing marbles! When the time came for handshaking, the brothers and sisters politely praised his message tagged with a “God bless you” or something similar. All except Elder Poden Tate, that is. Elder Tate gave him a firm hand clasp, pulled him close and said in his ear, “Brother, I believe you’ve lost your marvels.”

Sandy Valley - A little slack on the discipline

Reverend Nebbish Peacock, the current preacher at Sandy Valley, followed Elder Milton Matthews as pastor. Last time we mentioned that Elder Matthews was perhaps still peeved with the Sandy Valley body of Christ for putting him out to pasture. Elder Matthews had a pleasant and productive stay at Sandy Valley; well, at least until a prank turned the body of Christ sour on him. It all happened like this.

Elder Milton Matthews was a fiery fire and brimstone preacher. No matter how hot it was, he always wore his coat and never came out of it. Well, he sure could work up a sweat; he kept a handkerchief rucked and ready in his coat pocket, to wipe away the fluid flood that flowed from his brow. On this occasion Elder Matthews had his shotgun loaded, his sights set on the sinners, and was about to unload with both barrels, when, haplessly he yanked forth his handkerchief with a flourish. Not only did his handkerchief obey, but a deck of cards flew forward landing on the floor, scattered before the front benches. A few innocent children rushed toward them, before mothers snatched them back to reality. Elder Matthews apologized for the unknown occurrence and sheepishly concluded his communication. 

The body of Christ immediately appointed a committee to investigate (playing cards was among the sinful exploits prohibited by the church decorum). The preponderance of opinion agreed that Elder Matthews’s teenage boys had pranked him (though a few doubted Matthew’s piety). The dear pastor stood somewhat exonerated until calling time – when it was aptly pointed out that he was probably not guilty of playing cards, but he surely was a little slack on child discipline! The call to Elder Milton Matthews was not renewed.

Sandy Valley - Don’t give away your sermon

This past week Reverend Nebbish Peacock and Elder Milton Matthews attended the Fifth-Sunday Meeting together at Possum Creek. Since preaching appointments were always scheduled for the first through fourth Sundays, fifth Sundays were freed up for preaching meetings and singing conventions. A Fifth-Sunday Meeting encompassed the weekend that fell on a fifth-Sunday of the month, so the meeting actually started on Saturday. As they were wont to do, a minister was chosen at the previous Fifth-Sunday to preach at 11 a.m. Sunday morning. Reverend Peacock had been chosen to preach the sermon on this fifth Sunday morning. As they rode together to their destination, Nebbish proudly lined out to Elder Matthews the masterful sermon he had prepared to charm the congregants as the Sunday morning highlight. And it was quite masterful.

As is bound to happen sometimes at Fifth-Sunday Meeting, the debate portion of the program concluded with time to spare. Elder Rube Askew moved that a sermon be had. Deacon Drew Drewery seconded the motion and it passed unanimously. Nominations were presented and Elder Milton Matthews was selected to preach.

Unprepared and yet prepared, Elder Matthews always spoke extemporaneously. He was a good friend of Nebbish Peacock, but was dubious of the prepared sermons of the younger generation. His dubiosity and jocularity – and perhaps unconsciously still peeved with the Sandy Valley body of Christ for putting him out to pasture – all combined in the form of a devious plan. He preached Nebbish Peacock’s Sunday sermon for him, right there on Saturday night! 

Suffice it to say that Nebbish kept his prepared sermons close to heart from thence forward.

Sandy Valley -- It’s lightning that kills

We haven’t visited Sandy Valley lately, but they’re still there plugging along.

Sandy Valley just called Elder Rube Askew to help them in a week’s meeting. He came and he livened things up with his preaching – which was much more “old school” than that of the pridefully prepared Reverend Peacock. Askew seemed to get louder and louder as the week grew on. Perhaps he was heard for miles around. He hammered home his timeless theme – the sovereignty of God and the sinfulness of man. By the end of the week he was positively thundering! At the close of the meeting the grateful congregation gave Elder Askew the parting hand. On this occasion Deacon Goodnews embraced him, pulled him close, and whispered in his ear, “You know, it’s lightnin’ kills and not thunder.”

We get rain when we need it

I haven't posted any recent news from the community of Sandy Valley. Mostly, it's been hot and dry. Which reminds me of an old resident named Jim. Jim lived and died in Sandy Valley on the very farm where he was born. Jim was altogether a simple country farmer. Not a pastor or a theologian who would parse meanings to suit the situation. Not a city slicker with no understanding of the effect and importance of rain. A farmer who depended on the rain to survive. His life and livelihood was the farm and farming. But he would not shave his belief to fit his convenience or what appeared obvious to others. 

One particularly dry August, Alton Dove stopped by to see Jim. Alton was also a farmer. The conversation naturally turned to the drought. 

"It sure is hot and dry," said Alton. "We sure do need some rain." 

Jim replied flatly, "We'll get the rain when we need it." 

Aghast, Alton inquired whatever in the world did Jim mean? "Surely you can see we need rain! The ground is parched and turned to dust; the crops will fail if we don't get some rain." 

"Neither man nor ground nor crops decide when we need rain," Jim explained. "Only God decides that. We'll get rain when we need it." 

"Well, I guess God thinks we need a drought," harrumphed Alton sarcastically. "Indeed it does looks that way," 

Jim summed up. "We'll get rain when we need it."

Sandy Valley news: Never say never

Tragedy struck a hard blow in the Sandy Valley community this week. Suffering from a series of health issues that had become unbearably painful, Uncle John Craneman ended his life with a single shotgun blast to the head. The way he carried it out in death was as ingenious as his many unique inventions in life.

Reverend Peacock performed the sad eulogy. Forcefully he stressed the grace of God in salvation while some listeners secretly wondered whether a man who took his life could go to heaven. 

Elder Poden Tate, Uncle John's brother-in-law, didn't worry about that as his mind wandered to an ironic incident of years past. Some ten years ago Poden and John had attended the shape note singing convention together in Mineral Falls. As men were wont to do, at dinner-time several of them gathered to chew to fat and spread the news. One pressing piece of news was of a man some of them knew, who had committed suicide. Each shared his opinion on the matter. Uncle John added incredulously, "That'll be the last thing I'll ever do."

...And it was.

Sandy Valley and a preacher eating peanuts

Deacon Drew Drewery had to put his elderly mother in the nursing home. Last week her pastor Nebbish Peacock paid her a visit. When he got there, the dear old Sister was sleeping. Reverend Peacock had driven all the way up to Hayden Bluff and didn't want to make a return trip again too soon. He decided she might not sleep too long, so he sat in a chair in her room to wait. While he was waiting he thumbed through some magazines that were on a table. He noticed some peanuts sitting in a bowl next to them. As he waited and read, he chomped on the peanuts.

When Sister Drewery finally woke up, she and the reverend had a fine visit. As he prepared to go, Nebbish realized that he'd absent-mindedly eaten all of this old Sister's peanuts. He apologized profusely, repeating nervously, "I'm so sorry, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, reverend," Sister Drewery replied. "After I suck off the chocolate, I don't want them anymore. I can't chew the nuts anyway."

News from Sandy Valley: a chicken tale

Widow Alma Popper invited the Reverend Peacock and his wife to dinner. They knew the poverty in which she lived and didn't expect much. They were flabbergasted with the vast array of dishes she put before them. The old sister had fried chicken, baked chicken, chicken dressing, and just about any other chicken dish a minister could think of. They ate until they could hold no more, then rested & visited awhile before giving the parting hand. Rev. & Sister Peacock thanked Widow Popper profusely as they left. As they walked toward the gate, two chickens wobbled around the corner and fell to the ground convulsing.

The preacher called for the widow and screamed, "Sister Popper, something's wrong with your chickens!"

The Widow Popper replied, "I know. They're dying faster than I can cook 'em."

News from Sandy Valley: More sick wives

The monthly conference of the body of Christ at Sandy Valley was rather short and sweet last meeting, but there was one item of interest. Sure, the acknowledgements always peak our interest! Elder Poden Tate, a fine preacher among them, was called on the wood floor (for they have no carpet). The rule for conference is: "Adult male members who are absent two consecutive conferences must answer to the congregation the grounds for their absence."

Elder Tate was a faithful member and staunch minister. His absence for two such occasions was strikingly strange. Surely he would have valid grounds, or so the body thought. He rose to his feet, twirling his hat nervously in his hands, and humbly related the cause being a sick wife. The congregation could have been no more satisfied -- all except Poden's brother, "Speck". Deacon Spencer "Speck" Tate had already outlived three wives thus far and was now united to his fourth. Speck was unimpressed with Poden's excuse, proudly noting, "I've had more sick wives than you, sir!"

News from Sandy Valley: A Time to Die

Roe Tate, older brother of Speck, Poden and Dick, was a most respected citizen of Sandy Valley, even though he had never seen clear to attach himself to the body of Christ. He faithfully attended meetings of the congregation, and believed and lived by the truths taught therein. Perhaps more firmly than most he was dearly devoted to the doctrine of divine decrees. What God decreed would not fail to happen in God's time. Roe's commitment confirmed his status as a bachelor and his life outside the Sandy Valley congregation. God had neither determined that he have a wife, nor revealed to him whether he was among God's chosen. None of these things abated his attachment to the things of God.

Uncle Roe, as all respected older men were labeled -- unless they were Pa or Grandpa or Elder or Deacon -- lived on his farm mostly unaffected by modern conveniences. With old age creeping nigh, he often paid someone to help with some of the larger farm tasks. Unattached to the Sandy Valley congregation, he was free to hire the excommunicated Ellis Woodenby, which he did on this necessary occasion. Ellis was a night time gad-about, but he never failed to give Roe Tate an honest day's work.

When Ellis arrived Uncle Roe turned over the reins of his fully laden wagon to Ellis and they made their trek to the South Hill field. In the late afternoon a furious thunder and lightning storm swiftly rolled in on them. Unable to outrun it, Ellis pulled their drenched wagon (and selves) up under a sprawling oak tree that afforded some protection. Sizing up the situation, Roe looked at Ellis with grave concern and slowly drawled, "Ellis, you ort-n-a pulled up under this tree with all this lightning a-goin' on."

With a wry grin Ellis replied, "Now Uncle Roe, you know it won't matter if it ain't your time."

Slowly Uncle Roe nodded a somewhat reluctant agreement. "Yes, Ellis...but I was a-thinkin' it might be yore time!"

News from Sandy Valley: a personal devil

The body of Christ at Possum Creek called on the Sandy Valley congregation for the ordination of Newley Drewery, the young 40-something son of Deacon Drew Drewery. He had been teaching the Possum Creek saints for a couple of weeks and they sought this man of God to become their pastor.

The body of Christ at Sandy Valley duly assembled a presbytery to examine young Drewery and make recommendations to the congregation. They organized and set about the task. They heard his experience, his call to preach and his doctrinal views. All proceeded in order and the presbytery privately convened to discuss whether to recommend Newley's ordination. The young preacher had sailed smoothly through all points, save one nagging answer that the visiting ministers especially couldn't shake off. When asked if he believed in a "personal devil", Newley had answered "No." They were not sure they were ready to turn this young whipper-snapper loose on the bodies of Christ. They went round and round the question without resolution till Deacon Tal Goodnews intervened on his behalf. Said Tal, "I move his ordination. This is no great problem. After he's dealt with those hard-heads at Possum Creek for 6 months, he'll know there's a personal devil! (and maybe several devils, Tal chuckled within himself.)" Reverend Rube Askew, former minister at Possum Creek, shouted "Amen" and immediately seconded the motion. With clearer vision now, the presbytery cheerfully recommended Newley's ordination to body of Christ at Sandy Valley. Which they did.

Reports from Sandy Valley: Lack of a second

The December conference of the body of Christ at Sandy Valley was an excruciating one. Deacon Drew Drewery, who always seconds the motions, was out with the flu. All attempts at conducting business were stymied for lack of a second. After an hour or so of extended difficulty the body was wrenched of its energy. An exasperated Deacon Tal Goodnews finally moved adjournment. A shocked congregation looked the way of the good deacon's son, Noah Goodnews, when he seconded the motion to adjourn. Such was unexpected from the young 30-something whippersnapper. But the congregation at Sandy Valley breathed a collective sigh of relief when Reverend Peacock called for the vote, which passed unanimously.

Can't help it: News from Sandy Valley

Last month's conference of the body of Christ at Sandy Valley was a prime event. It drew a large crowd. Word was out that that Ellis Woodenby, who was caught in adultery with Sister Sarah Sweets from up at the freewill body of Christ up on Oak Ridge, would be called on the wood floor (for they had no carpet). A hushed building hung on baited breath as Reverend Nebbish Peacock called for acknowledgements. Rather than make acknowledgements and cast himself on the mercy of the body of Christ, Ellis chose a different tact -- He mounted a theological defense. Ellis addressed himself to the body, reviewing the doctrine of predestination and fore-ordination preached by Reverend Peacock and posited in the body's Articles of Faith. "If," said he, "all events are ordained by God, that makes Him the great cause of all things. It follows that I couldn't help but commit adultery with Sister Sweets, for it was predetermined!"

A shocked congregation seemed in disarray. Perhaps Mr. Woodenby had delivered a knock-out punch. But slowly Deacon Tal Goodnews rose and quite deliberately moved the exclusion of Ellis Woodenby on the grounds of adultery, it being freely admitted by Woodenby himself. The good deacon retorted, "Tis true that all things are ordained by God..... and we can't help but exclude this man for his sin." Deacon Drewery couldn't help but second the motion, and the congregation couldn't help voting for it. Ellis Woodenby was unanimously removed from their fellowship.

Reports from the body of Christ: a Chandelier

At monthly conference of the body of Christ meeting at Sandy Valley, Reverend Nebbish Peacock suggested the church buy a chandelier to put at the front of the auditorium. Several members nodded in agreement as Deacons Dobbs & Drewery offered up a move and second. The pastor called for discussion. Senior Deacon Tal Goodnews rose and asked to speak to the question. Deacon Goodnews said he could see three reasons to not buy the chandelier. "First," says he, "ain't no one here knows how to spell it. Besides that, ain't no one here knows how to play it." The old deacon paused for emphasis and cleared his throat, "And, third, what we really need is a new light!"

The motion failed.

Reports from the body of Christ: a Footwashing

Once in the year, the body of Christ at Sandy Valley meets for communion and footwashing. It is a high and holy day for the body, and one that arouses curiosity outside the body. As usual the service was preceded by the hymn singing for about an hour. The order of service was then changed with a long concert of prayer, followed by a more rousing than usual sermon by Reverend Peacock. Following Peacock's sermon, Elder Hasselben from Possum Creek spoke on the bread and wine, which was then duly served to the body. Next Elder Poden Tate spoke on the footwashing as the deacon's brought buckets of water for the footwashing pans from the pristine Sandy Branch.

The body of Christ at Sandy Valley had no less of human nature than any other. None wanted to add embarrassment to their humility as they bared their weary and worn feet to all around. The day before the rite preparations were made -- feet were washed, toenails were carefully trimmed, toejam deposits were removed and the best socks (without holes or with as few as possible) were chosen. At least for those who could help it. Sandy Valley teens also had no less of human nature, and that included pulling pranks that would doubtless later occasion a trip to the wood shed.

Before turning in for the night, Deacon Hod Dobbs prepared for the footwashing the next day. He laid out the clothes he would wear, including a nice pair of dark socks. Sure that he was asleep by the sound of his snoring, several grandchildren took those socks. Turning them inside out, they artfully rubbed them with soot from the fireplace. They then turned the socks right side out and placed them back in their place as if nothing had happened. And the old Deacon suspected nothing had happened. His brisk walk to the meeting house did its dirty work and set Deacon Dobbs up for his fall. Right there before God and everybody in the house, he exposed the fact that he really needed a thorough footwashing!

Following Deacon Dobb's footwashing, the water in the pan was no longer pristine and from that day forward he no longer wore socks to the annual communion and footwashing. 

[The grandchildren confessed and took their whooping. Unbeknownst to them, the old man interceded with his son to give them a light licking.]

Sandy Valley and its congregation

In the deep south woods, in a remote region sheltered from the hustle and bustle of civilization, lies the sleepy little society of Sandy Valley. In a rustic building resting near a fresh stream good for baptizing and footwashing, meets the body of Christ. These yeoman stock, many of whose movements seldom bring them into the larger world, move and meet for their pleasure and God's purpose and not to please the passers-by. They are far from perfect, but few are anything less than sincere -- even in their faults and foibles. Life turns around family, freedom, and the body of Christ, with a sweet selfish satisfaction thrown in every now and then.

Reverend Nebbish Peacock, a rather large man, is the current preacher and something of an outsider, though he married Sandy Valley sweetheart Mary Dobbs. Mary is as kind and loving as she is pretty and petite, which covers faults the congregation might otherwise see in her husband. Nebbish has his pride, his pandering and his faintings, but he preaches the word of God with enough enterprise and lucidity so as to interest the body of Christ despite his leisurely delivery. Deacon Tal Goodnews is the oldest deacon and one of the older members of the body of Christ at Sandy Valley. The body's respect for his many years of service will usually carry them along the direction of his proffered advice. He may not know the ways of the world, but he is full of common sense. Several ministers are part of the Sandy Valley congregation -- including Elder Poden Tate -- whose lack of education is offset by his power, passion and knowledge of the word of God. Sandy Valley has its delinquents in both the congregation and the community on whom they must keep a watchful eye -- Ellis Woodenby, Fondren Gailey -- as well as a few sisters whose tongues may be a bit longer than their hair.

All in all, they're just folks. Like most of the rest of us.

The body of Christ at Sandy Valley

I have created, in my mind at least, a body of Christ in the fictional community of Sandy Valley. I hope monthly to tell a humorous story of the congregation, hopefully mixed with a little "moral" to the story. These stories include some "church jokes" that have been "in the air" for years, some adaptations of real incidents (with names changes to protect the innocent and the guilty), and some which may be combinations of both. These will be stories of conference (business meetings), visits of the pastor to his congregation, and more. I'll leave it to the reader to get both the humor and the moral. I hope to succeed in writing well enough for that to happen. If any of you readers would give your feedback, I would appreciate it. Here are some of the people and places in my stories so far. Lord willing, I will begin shortly and keep it up as enabled.

Members of Sandy Valley
Reverend Nebbish Peacock, pastor of the Sandy Valley congregation
Sister Mary Peacock, wife of the good reverend Peacock
Elder Poden Tate, an elder in Sandy Valley
Deacon Richard "Dick" Tate, brother of Poden
Sister Hessie Tate, wife of Dick Tate
Deacon Spencer "Speck" Tate, brother of Dick and Poden
Deacon Hod Dobbs
Deacon Tal Goodnews, oldest deacon in the church
Noah Goodnews, son of Tal Goodnews
Deacon Drew Drewery
Newley Drewery, son of Drew Drewery
Ellis Woodenby, a member of Sandy Valley
Sister Dinah Kitchens, a member of Sandy Valley
Sister Susie Stuflotz, a member of Sandy Valley
Sister Patricia Swaggin, a member of Sandy Valley
Widow Feliticia Douger, a wealthy widow at Sandy Valley
Widow Alma Popper, a poor widow in the congregation
Sister Doola Lang, a member of Sandy Valley

Other people and places
Sandy Valley, the community where it all happens
Hayden Bluff, a town in the next county
Possum Creek, a nearby community some 10 miles from Sandy Valley
Oak Ridge, a nearby community up the hills from Sandy Valley
Fondren Gailey, a local bachelor under suspicion
Serena Lang, a woman of less than sparkling repute; sister-in-law of Doola Lang
Sister Sarah Sweets, an Oak Ridge freewill church member
Reverend Manuel Manly, pastor of the Oak Ridge freewill church
Reverend Rube Askew, former pastor of Possum Creek