Definitions with a point

• avarich, adjective. Having wealth or great possessions accumulated through an insatiable greed for riches (a portmanteau of avarice + rich).
• confuzzled, adjective. A state of being extremely bewildered or perplexed (a portmanteau of confused + puzzled).
• educatiolatry, noun. Worship of and/or excessive and unwarranted reverence for education (a portmanteau of education + idolatry).
• eggs-pert, noun. One with the special skill or knowledge representing mastery of the subject of eggs.
• ex-pert, noun. One who used to show bold and impertinent behavior, but no longer does so.
• ex-spurt, noun. One who used to used to be capable of sudden bursts of effort, but no longer is.
• figmentary, adjective. Pertaining to or connected with things created, imagined, or invented in the mind (figment, a product of mental invention or notion + -ary, a suffix with the general sense “pertaining to, connected with”).
• hate speech, noun. Speech that is hated by the people defining it.
• illeagle, noun. A sick symbol of the United States of America.
• impastor, noun. A person who deceives by pretending to be a pastor; a false teacher (a portmanteau of impostor + pastor).
• ka-balloon, interjection. A sudden and loud sound of a balloon popping.
• lymph, verb. To walk with a lisp.
• macrimony, noun. The state of being in a harsh and bitter marriage (a portmanteau of matrimony + acrimony).
• occupatience, noun. The act of waiting for the right job to come along (a portmanteau of occupation + patience).
• poly-scriptura, noun. Many scriptures (from poly “many” + scriptura “scripture”). A recently coined phrase used by some to describe those Christians who find authority in many different translations of the scriptures.
• sheeple, noun. People who blindly follow orders and avoid critical thinking (a portmanteau of sheep + people).
• smord, noun. A portmanteau (from smushed word).
• texagon, noun. A plane figure in the shape of Texas.
• transhee, noun. A man in the form of a wailing woman who appears to or is heard by members of a society as a sign that their society is dying.
• transposer, noun. A transgender person who writes music (a portmanteau of transgender + composer).
• weerie, adjective. Exhausted by things that incite superstitious fear (from weary + eerie).
• YouTubesday, noun. The Tuesday you spent all day watching videos on YouTube.

A Christmas story

...too good to not be true.

Two days before Christmas, a woman frantically shopped to get some last-minute gifts. She had her four-year-old daughter in tow. The woman dragged her daughter from store to store. Exhausted, in a rush, and fighting the crowds, the woman felt more irritable by the minute. Finally, they made their last stop.

As they left that last store, the mother grumbled to her daughter, “Did you see that? That man at the checkout counter gave me a mean face!”

The little daughter replied, “No mommy, you had a mean face before you went into the store.”

Good old duct tape

John: I had a Bible that I used so long I had to hold it together with duck-tape!

Jim: What happened to it?

John: It quacked.

Left foot, right foot, which foot, spite foot

Those who think washing feet in church is sort of odd and quaint often find humor at the expense of feet-washers. I guess it doesn’t hurt for us to laugh at ourselves. Laughter can be good medicine. R. Inman Johnson told the following (probably made-up) story of the New Harmony Church’s origin:

“A little foot-washing Baptist church over in Georgia got concerned over the complication of the foot-washing procedure as the membership grew. By unanimous vote, they decided they’d wash just one foot instead of both feet. Then the church split over which foot to wash.”

The Arkansas Baptist newsmagazine published this story, November 16, 1961 (p. 23). A little extra humor hides in the name of the church – New Harmony. How often we Baptists call our church splits Fellowship, Harmony, and Unity!

Interestingly, washing feet has held an unusual and unique place in the annals of Baptist history, one Baptist leader advocating it while another decries it. For example, in 1882 J. R. Graves called J. B. Gambrell, who in 1877 founded The Mississippi Baptist Record, “the champion advocate of feet-washing in the Southwest.” According to a preacher whose father was in the founding of the Mt. Zion Association in East Texas, and who himself became an ordained minister in it soon thereafter, recorded that almost all the churches of the once practiced feet washing. Within 100 years, none of them did. I do not know for sure, but I suspect at some point, as he became a leading Southern Baptist minister, J. B. Gambrell, probably quietly dropped any mention of feet washing. R. Inman Johnson taught speech and music for many years at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.

The Tennessee Baptist, May 5, 1882, p. 8

Atheist Holiday

An atheist complained to his Christian acquaintance, “It’s not fair; there are no atheist holidays! Christians get two Federal holidays, and there is even one holiday named for a Baptist preacher! What gives. We atheists have no recognized national holidays. It’s unfair. It’s discrimination.”

His acquaintance responded, “Well, that’s not exactly so. You all do have a day.”

“What?” questioned the atheist, “no we don’t. What do you mean?”

Replied the Christian, “Of course you do. It’s today, April Fool’s Day!”

“The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God.” Psalm 14:1.

Scripture-quoting, blanket-toting, Duvall Scott

I used to listen to a lot of Jerry Clower’s comedy. Among my favorites was his tale of a very religious general store owner, named Duvall Scott. Every time he made a sale and opened the cash register, he recited a Bible verse. A child buys a piece of candy. Scott rings up the sale, saying, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” If a child comes to make a purchase for one of his parents, he might say, “Honour thy father and mother.” As with most old country stores, there were usually some old guys sitting around playing dominos or shooting the breeze. God-fearing men themselves, they always waited with great anticipation to hear what scripture he’d quote next.

One day a city fellow drove up in an expensive pickup truck, pulling a fancy horse trailer. He stopped to buy a blanket for his horse. Duvall Scott walked to the back, pulled a blanket off his shelf, and came back. “That’ll be $10.” The city dude replied, “This is an expensive horse. I won’t put a $10 blanket on him!”

Mr. Scott went into the back again to pick out another blanket. (He only had one kind.) He brought back a blanket of a different color, and said, “That’ll be $50.”

Frustrated, the city customer said, “I have a prize-winning thoroughbred out there. I must do better than a $50 blanket!”

Again Mr. Scott walked back to his blanket rack. He picked out another blanket – another of a different color. He brought it out and told the customer, “This one is $100.”

“Now that’s more like it! I’ll take it,” said the satisfied city slicker, handing Duvall Scott a fresh $100 bill. 

The customer departed, and the old store owner rung up the sale. The old guys – knowing he had only one kind of blanket – intently waited for Duvall Scott, to hear what scripture he could possibly come up with to fit this sale.

Mr. Scott, inserting his $100 into the cash register, looked reverently up to heaven and said, fittingly, “He was a stranger, and I took him in.” 

[At least, that’s the way I remember it. It’s so much better when Jerry tells it.]

Funny, made-up, and odd words

• addendumb, noun. Additional stupid material added at the end of a book or document.
• bilography, noun. An angry irritable account of someone’s life.
• “Fanta”®size, verb. To indulge in daydreaming about drinking extra large bottles of Fanta brand carbonated soft drinks.
• franticize, verb. To create a sense of fear, anxiety, or urgency though there is nothing of which to fear, etc.
• franticizing, noun. Frantically running around like a chicken with its head cut off for no good reason.
• idiocracy, noun. A society or group that is governed or populated by idiots.
• incommode, verb. To inconvenience, discomfort, or trouble by putting in the commode.
• oughtobiography, noun. A book about all the things you ought to being doing in your life.
• psychophant, noun. A sycophant, especially one with psychological problems.
• sinsorship, noun. Censoring a crime or sin committed and it's censored from the regular audience (an amalgam of sin and censorship).
• synonym rolls, noun. A yummy pastry, just like my grammar used to make.
• whaa-ambulance, noun. An ambulance called for someone’s whining emergency (‘whaa’ as ‘cry’).
• worseship, noun. Worship that is worse than some other worship.

Funny quotes

“I’d like to start dieting, but there’s just too much on my plate right now.” -- Unknown

“All good things are invented in Scotland, stole by the English, then sold to the Americans.” -- Gordon Campbell

Construction advice

Q. How do you keep a concrete slab from cracking?
A. Do not pour a concrete slab!

Q. How do you keep a flat roof from leaking?
A. Replace it with a pitched roof!

Some Jokes

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? ...Nobody knows.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? ...A satisfactory.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? ...In case they get a hole in one! 

Knock, knock.
Q. Who’s there?
A. Cow says.
Q. Cow says who?
A. No, a cow says mooooo!

Knock, knock.
Q. Who’s there?
A. A little old lady.
Q. A little old lady who?
A. Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Using Solomon’s wisdom

On a bus two women were fighting over the last available seat. The conductor tried unsuccessfully to reason with them and resolve the problem. Suddenly the bus driver shouted, “Let the ugly one have the seat.” Both women stood for the rest of their bus ride.

Genealogy quotes

One of my hobbies of passion is genealogy, but I think I seldom mention it on this blog. I will try to rectify that a bit. Enjoy.

“Genealogy is a pursuit in which you confuse the dead and irritate the living.” -- Unknown

“A genealogist must have the patience of Job; the curiosity of a cat; the stubbornness of a mule; the eyesight of an eagle; be blessed with the luck of the Irish; and have the ability and stamina of a camel to go long hours without food or drink.” -- Unknown

“Every man is a quotation from his ancestors.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“A modest acquaintance with one’s ancestry is a birthright, and one of which no one should wish to deprive himself.” -- Charles Edmundson

“The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.” -- Unknown

“Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.” -- Mark Twain

“Now that I have a computer for my genealogical records, I find that my records are just as confused as before, however, now my confusion is better organized.” -- Jack W. Briscoe 

“Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some have just a bunch of nuts. Remember, it is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking.” -- Unknown

“If you don’t know history, you don’t know anything. You are a leaf that doesn’t know it is part of a tree.” -- Michael Crichton

“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten; Either write things worthy of reading, or do things worthy of writing.” -- Benjamin Franklin

“He who has no fools, knaves, or beggars in his family tree was begot by a flash of lightning.” -- Old English proverb

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” -- George Bernard Shaw

The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine. -- Abraham Lincoln

Definitions, slightly tilted

• aftermath, noun. The next class after algebra class.
• amirite, interjection. A question/comment used to invite agreement or to assert that one’s previous statement is correct.
• amscray, verb. To depart quickly while speaking Pig Latin.
• apologestics, noun. Of or relating to bodily movements, gestures, or gyrations used when making a systematic argumentation or discourse in defense of Christianity.
• bureaucracy, noun. Defense of the status quo long after the quo has lost its status. (Laurence J. Peter)
• children, noun. Those who identify as being in a group whose age assigned at birth is zero.
• Conservative, noun. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with other evils. (Ambrose Bierce)
• diet soda, noun. The drink you buy at a convenience store to go with two large Milky Way bars.
• disinformation, noun. Information I don’t like.
• fibula, noun. A small lie.
• fishing, noun. A Jerk on one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other end.
• hair dresser, noun. A magician who creates a hair style that can never be duplicated.
• immediate, verb. To refrain from mediating.
• Liberal, noun. A statesman who is enamored with creating new evils, as distinguished from the Conservative who wishes to keep the  existing evils. (via Ambrose Bierce)
• M.E.D.I.A., noun. Most Efficient Deceiver in America.
• Obsessive Objection Disorder, noun. tilting at windmills; finding imaginary enemies or complaints. 
• oxymoron, noun. A person who is as dumb as an ox.
• Playdoh, name. A famous Greek philosopher who invented a famous pliable, putty-like children’s toy.
• politics, noun. ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’. (Robin Williams)
• ramshackle, noun. Chains for a male sheep.
• sarchasm, noun. The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it.
• scholars hip, noun. A large callus caused by sitting for extended time reading research.
• sin, noun. A short word with a long sentence.
• too kooky, noun. In debate, a retort charging an adversary or his argument with being too crazy to acknowledge (Latin, tu quoque).
• Washingtonian gaffe, noun. Accidentally telling the truth.

[Most from anonymous sources]

The nation’s two-party system

The nation’s (United States) two-party system illustrated by Stephan Pastis in Pearls Before Swine.

Near Misses

This bevy of books includes those never quite so successful as their classic cousins. Still, you might something readable here.

• A Confederacy of Dances (All the Dances against the Other One)
• A Kale of Two Cities (How Greens’ Farms can be Profitable)
• A Midsummer Night’s Scream (a Texas Heat Wave Tragedy)
• And Then There were Nine (Agatha Christie’s Baseball Tale)
• Chicken Slop for the Soul (101 Stories to Open the Palate and Rekindle the Stovetop)
• Grime and Punishment (a Warning Book for Dirty Children)
• Gulliver’s Gavels (After Lemuel became Judge of Several Remote Nations of the World)
• Hairy Potter; or, Why is there so much clay stuck to your arms?
• Hamwet (a Lispy Interpretation of Shakespeare)
• Less Miserables (Not as Many Miserable Ones as Usual)
• Little Mouse on the Prairie (Daring Days and Frightening Nights)
• Mess of the d’Urbervilles (the d’Urbervilles’ Lesser-Known Messy Daughter)
• Nine, Ten, Eighty-Four (a Quarterback’s Story)
• O, dip us the King! (a Tragic Drowning)
• One Hundred Fears of Solitude (a Pilgrim’s Guide to Loneliness)
• One Thousand and One Arabian Knights (Why Catholics Lost the Crusades)
• Rise and Fall of the Woman Empire (subtitle that, if you will!)
• Show Gun (a Gun Show Memoir)
• Tar Man (a Road Worker’s Memoir)
• The Bobbsey Twits (the never-ending tale of the silly Bobbsey family)
• The Bond Collector (How to know you have all the 007 movies)
• The Call of the Mild (To Be or Not to Be Gentle, that is the Question)
• The Diary of Anne. Frank! (Nothing Vague Here)
• The Old Man and the Pea (Unlucky Problems of the Elderly)
• The Purpose Driven Wife (a Husband’s Guide to Doing Household Repairs on Time)
• The Quotations From Chairman Mousy Tongue (Meeker than Uncle Mao )
• The Scrapes of Wrath (How the Depression rubbed people the wrong way)
• The Sound of the Baskervilles (a Dog-gone Good Musical)
• To Bill a Mockingbird (Veterinary Surgery for the Small and Famous)
• Zen and the Parts for Motorcycle Maintenance (An Inquiry into the Value of Keeping your Motorcycle Running)
• 20,000 Leaks Under the Sink (A Homeowner’s Plumbing Guide)

Hypocrites in the church

 A lady invited her friend to attend the services at her church, emphasizing, “We would love to have you visit us.”

“No, I won’t,” her friend curtly responded, “There are too many hypocrites in the church.”

The lady quickly countered, “That’s not so! We have room for several more. Keep that in mind in case you change your mind and want to come.”

Like feet

• Excuses are like feet, everyone has them and they all stink. 
• Opinions are like feet, they all stink unless they’re yours. 
• Brothers and sisters are like feet; they hurt you, but at the end of the day you’re grateful to have them.
• Church sign: Give Satan a foot and he will become a ruler.

Harmony and Unity

 

Those who think washing feet in church is odd and quaint often find humor at the expense of feet-washers. However, I suppose it does not hurt us to laugh at ourselves. It might be good medicine. R. Inman Johnson told the following (probably made-up) tale of the origin of the New Harmony Church:

“A little foot-washing Baptist church over in Georgia got concerned over the complication of the foot-washing procedure as the membership grew. By unanimous vote, they decided they’d wash just one foot instead of both feet. Then the church split over which foot to wash.”

The Arkansas Baptist newsmagazine​ published this story November 16, 1961 (p. 23). The name of the church – New Harmony – provides a little hidden (or perhaps to some not so hidden) humor, and even sadness. Oh, how often we Baptists call our church splits Fellowship, Harmony, and Unity!

[Note: Robert Inman Johnson taught speech and music for 45 years at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.]

The cowboy and the atheist

An old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

Droll definitions

Paramonyms: words that sound similar and have similar meanings. Example:

Incongruous \
In Congress  /

Definition: Out of keeping or out of place; inappropriate; unbecoming; not harmonious in character; inconsonant; lacking harmony of parts.