Sunday, February 05, 2012

New Research on the Fall of the United States

Dear Dr. Jones,

I pledge you my great respect for your exhaustive history of Europe. As you know, the most recent research in which I have been involved is the fall of the United States of America. We have known for several years that is was overtaken in February 2014, but recent excavations in New Jersey have revealed why. It fell during the celebration of the Suprabolus festival, at the end of two weeks of worship of the god of Ball. Suprabolus was a winter festival begun in the last century of U.S. history to celebrate the god of pleasure. I expect future studies will reveal that Ball was a derivative of the Canaanite deity Baal. By the time of the country's fall, the U.S. was wholly given over to these idolatrous practices. It is hard to pinpoint exact dates, because the country began to number its calendar to coincide with the Suprabolus Festival. The United States government banned all holy days of its Christian past and reorganized its calendar around the major festivals of the pleasure deity.

The location of the Suprabolus festival moved from year to year, each annual mecca sold to the highest bidder. Travel, except festival related, was suspended the day of the main worship. Worship services were beamed to every corner of the nation for those unable to physically attend. Everything shut down. Lesser deities (sometimes called "role-models") played before Ball while worshipers cheered, jeered, screamed, drank themselves silly, and otherwise worked themselves into an emotional frenzy. Rioting in the streets was commonplace, and human sacrifice was occasionally practiced. Corruption of government, lack of work ethic, immorality and such like were not the true reasons for America's fall, but merely symptoms of a decadent people who were lovers of Pleasures more than lovers of God!

Please purchase and read my upcoming book, Suprabolus: the beginning of the end of the United States of America. Only my theory can accurately explain why that, after years of fending off terrorism, on a cold day in February three construction workers from Los Angeles overthrew an entire nation.

Sincerest regards,
Barrius Hyperbole, Th.D.

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