"A boiled egg is hard to beat."
"Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant." -- Unknown
“Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” -- Unknown (not by Mark Twain, but in use by 1936)
"Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now."
"I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it."
"I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me."
"Police were called to a day care center. A 3-yr-old was resisting a rest."
"The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months."
"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"
"Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Beauty Parlor: a place where women curl up and dye.
Boss: someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Egotist: someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Nurse: a person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Tact: the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.
Yawn: an honest opinion openly expressed.