Sunday, December 01, 2013

Can't help it: News from Sandy Valley

Last month's conference of the body of Christ at Sandy Valley was a prime event. It drew a large crowd. Word was out that that Ellis Woodenby, who was caught in adultery with Sister Sarah Sweets from up at the freewill body of Christ up on Oak Ridge, would be called on the wood floor (for they had no carpet). A hushed building hung on baited breath as Reverend Nebbish Peacock called for acknowledgements. Rather than make acknowledgements and cast himself on the mercy of the body of Christ, Ellis chose a different tact -- He mounted a theological defense. Ellis addressed himself to the body, reviewing the doctrine of predestination and fore-ordination preached by Reverend Peacock and posited in the body's Articles of Faith. "If," said he, "all events are ordained by God, that makes Him the great cause of all things. It follows that I couldn't help but commit adultery with Sister Sweets, for it was predetermined!"

A shocked congregation seemed in disarray. Perhaps Mr. Woodenby had delivered a knock-out punch. But slowly Deacon Tal Goodnews rose and quite deliberately moved the exclusion of Ellis Woodenby on the grounds of adultery, it being freely admitted by Woodenby himself. The good deacon retorted, "Tis true that all things are ordained by God..... and we can't help but exclude this man for his sin." Deacon Drewery couldn't help but second the motion, and the congregation couldn't help voting for it. Ellis Woodenby was unanimously removed from their fellowship.

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