Quotes from Steven Wright:
“Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.”
“Half the people you know are below average.”
“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
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